KV's Words of Wisdom

AUGUST 2, 2009:

Velvet Assassin, Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe and 1 vs 100 can all die in a fire. They are all either appallingly awful, incredibly boring or ragequit-inducing...sometimes two or more at once. Avoid them as you would a shambling, disheveled hobo drenched in personal lubricant.

The XBLA release of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 is...not worth it. They essentially dusted off the Dreamcast version, duct-taped it to a 360 dev kit and said, "DERP DERP THIS'LL DO." For the privilege of playing with Live members over the Interweb, you get - at a cost of $20 - no new features. Oh, wait, it's widescreen now, and you can employ three special graphical filters, all of which do nothing to soothe the pain (and here I speak of eyeballs quite literally bleeding) of seeing old, primitive sprites blown up to HD proportions. Also, I don't believe I need to remind everyone of just how much of a Sisyphean task it is to play a fighting game with the 360 controller's d-pad, which was - as I was once told - sculpted from the remains of Satan's own failed sixth-grade science project "Immovable, Irritating and Generally Disagreeable Plastics and You." Don't get me wrong. I highly recommend this game, but you're better off playing it on the good old Sega-mans with a proper controller (or, even better, an arcade stick) at a price of little to no real world monies.

(Speaking of the Dreamcast, I am itching to get back into the Student Center and battle Jevon for Street Fighter supremacy...well, in our own little bracket...someone call me when things are happening!)

I am thoroughly enjoying Battlefield 1943, but only in the same sense that I enjoy Call of Duty 4's multiplayer mode. That is, I will alternate between a state of relative satisfaction (for instance, in the wake of a successful sniper headshot on some poor, unsuspecting pixel on the other side of the giant island - a move which spits in Newton's face and then rubs it in with his thumb, laughing) and an erupting geyser of pure, molten hate-juice (for instance, when a bullet strikes me through solid rock, when everyone runs around with vintage rocket launchers like it's Quake '96 all over again or when this happens, which is every living moment).

July 28 was the twentieth anniversary of the MOTHER series. Let this be a reminder to everyone: finish MOTHER and Earthbound / MOTHER 2 already! Oh, and please check out this top-notch fan translation of MOTHER 3 for the GBA!

Quote :

Velvet Assassin, Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe and 1 vs 100 can all die in a fire. They are all either appallingly awful, incredibly boring or ragequit-inducing...sometimes two or more at once. Avoid them as you would a shambling, disheveled hobo drenched in personal lubricant.

This.

On the note of the Xbox 360 controller, apparently I am amazing, because I use the analog stick instead of the dpad.

IH wrote:

On the note of the Xbox 360 controller, apparently I am amazing, because I use the analog stick instead of the dpad.

Well, sure, the analog stick is good in a pinch, especially when you need to make those quarter- and half-circle motions for specials and such, but it's useless for any really fine control like slowly inching towards your opponent, parrying or inputting the ridiculous command sequence for Shun Goku Satsu.

Actually, I use it to inch, and such as that. Melee was the first game I started playing with SUPER technical stuff in it, so if it's a fighter I like using an analog stick, and if it's a 2d platformer I like using a dpad. It's kinda weird = \

IH wrote:

Actually, I use it to inch, and such as that. Melee was the first game I started playing with SUPER technical stuff in it, so if it's a fighter I like using an analog stick, and if it's a 2d platformer I like using a dpad. It's kinda weird = \

FREAK

DON'T JUDGE ME MAAAAAN

AUGUST 7, 2009:

Laid my second 360 to rest in its prepaid coffin today and sent it into the Great Beyond, which is just another name for Mesquite, Texas. Hope it returns soon. Starting to have withdrawals (night sweats, interest in using PS3, ghastly compulsion to go outside, et cetera).

Killzone 2 has been an adequate timewaster. It is, at many points, an orgasm for your eyeballs. No argument there. However, this beauty comes at the price of sporadic loads that seem more like hitches in framerate, skipping audio, sluggish and floaty controls, tacked-on motion interaction and a mediocre story. Not at all unpleasant to play through, mind you (I cackled with evil glee as I fried wave after wave of Helghan troops with my electricity gun, which has INFINITE AMMO FOR MAXIMUM RAIDERS-STYLE FACE MELTING), but the game is certainly not Sony's savior as it was promised to be long ago. Too many FPS tropes and too few opportunities to use that kickass electricity gun. Again, A GUN THAT SHOOTS ELECTRICITY. AUTOMATIC LOCK-ONS AND INFINITE AMMO. That is all.

Based on my impression of the demo, Batman: Arkham Asylum will be the greatest justice ever done to the Caped Crusader. Wonderfully voiced, solidly constructed, graphically attractive...everything is encouraging to the utmost degree. Dare I say, it will be even better than Batman Returns for the SNES, which was a source of joy only in that you could hurl malicious clowns into storefront windows with a satisfying crunch. August 25 will be a banner date.